She won't get herself organised

by Amber
(uk)

Hi,
I am a single mum of three girls. My eldest is 18 and has been hard hard work- no input from her Dad at all.

My problem is that i still have to organise everything for her. She wants to apply for University and won't even write the application without me nagging. Clothes are never put in the washing, even ones she knows she wants to ware out. Thank you cards are never written etc, etc. On the one hand she will make out that something really matters- and then never follow through. All she really does is socialise.

I have tried not organising her- but her life simply falls apart. I now just get on and do it, and nag, and shout and get terribly frustrated.

My question is- should i step back now? she is 18. When will she step up to the plate and get her act together? I feel exhausted and so alone and have worked so hard bringing up these girls. She is a nice girl and I don't want her life to fall apart because I took a step back when i shouldn't have.

Thank you
Amber xx

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She won't get herself organised

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my advice
by: Anonymous

Hi Amber! My advice is to try to let her try what you do everyday let her see what being an adult really is! Because she will be soon! And she will have to move on with her life try spending some time with her and teach her things you know about being mature!
Enabling Teens...
by: Ask Sara

Hi Amber!

Great to hear from you! Yes indeed...teens are tricky. They look like grown-ups on the outside, but they are far from it on the inside. My first teen was quite the handful as well, so I feel your pain!

Your question was, should you step back and let your adult child be responsible for her own life (even though she is likely to fall?).

In a word, YES. What you are saying is, "I keep doing everything for her and she isn't stepping up to do things for herself."

Unfortunately, she doesn't see a reason to step up. All she has to do is tolerate your complaining, and she gets to enjoy the benefit of your labors. You are the one who needs to make the change.

When your daughter is uncomfortable, she will have a motivation to change. She still may not change, but at least she will have a reason to change. Your job is to free her from your grasp, and give her permission to be responsible for her life. Then, sit back, support her when she fails, and applaud her when she succeeds. Good luck to both of you!

My best!
Sara

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