Babies father is an emotional abuser.

by Emily

Hi Sara,

I really need some advice, to someone who is outside my friendship and family group. I am 25 and about to become a single mum being eight months pregnant with a little boy.

The father of the child left me at 3 months, and I haven't seen him since 4 months.
Hardest part about it all is he still contacts me every couple of weeks, he wants updates on the baby. Yet when I say "are you excited about becoming a father he says "I'm scared" or "no because I have to choose between my happiness and my son" - he lives over the other side of the country and doesn't want to move here, but wants to have his son with him, a son he has admitted he doesn't want.

He constantly puts me down, emotionally burdens me, has not helped with one thing towards the baby, yet demands pictures of ultrasounds and pictures of my growing tummy.

We were only a couple for two months before I fell pregnant on the pill. he was all for the baby then, and said we would get a house and be a family and I would never have to struggle financially (he earns amazing money)... yet he's never given me a cent to help pay the rent, I had to move out because my parents didn't want a baby in the house, and I was living out of home before hand which is fine, but I'm now paying $450 a week in rent, I had to return to the head office and take a 50% pay cut to keep my job, I do the gardening, I do the cooking, cleaning, preparing the nursery, work full time and attend classes after work. He's never helped me once, and constantly says "I never see it from his point of view" - I don't care about his point of view, he left me after promising the world. I have back problems, my tummy is so big I struggle every day with little things like getting dressed or putting my shoes on or driving... I feel hard done by.

And now he is demanding a DNA test. after admitting hes been sleeping with people while I'm pregnant, passing on an STD to me, saying he would never love me and "I'm not his type" calling me fat (i am no where near fat)...

My friends always say how strong I am and how amazing I will be as a mother. I'm young, good looking, have a career and enjoy my life but I feel like this $%#@ has taken it all away from me. If he doesn't want the baby why can't he just leave us alone. He won't yet he loves to put me down all the time. I've made things so easy for him, no matter how much he has hurt me I still try for a friendship with him and I just can't do it anymore.

what do I do? Do I give him the DNA test then cut him out of our lives, or do I keep getting hurt by this boy for the sake of my child having a father. I feel like I'm going to be a single mum forever and its making me really depressed which is unfair on my son.

Please help me with your amazing advice.

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Divide and Conquer
by: Sara Says...

Dear Emily,

First let me say congratulations on the baby! You have been through a lot and I am so very proud of you!

First and foremost, you have a baby arriving any minute! That really has to be your priority right now. Relax and rest to the best of your ability. Don't worry about the nursery being ready. A baby needs a safe place to sleep and that's it. Nurseries are for adults to "oooo" and "aaaa" over. Babies have no idea whether they are in a fancy room or not. However, they do know when they are well cared for and loved. Put your focus there, and anything else you get done is a bonus.

Regarding this man. Let me ask you...Do you love him? You mentioned you had only been together a short time before becoming pregnant. I wanted my son's father to love me too. I thought. The reality was that I didn't love him, and we really didn't have a great deal in common. However; I was pregnant and at the time, I thought that was the direction things were supposed to in. In hindsight, I am glad things did not go that way.

The baby's father is showing some signs of hope as a responsible father. He is checking on the progress, and he is asking for a DNA test. Please don't be insulted by this request. Clearly you are a woman of integrity, but he doesn't know that. He is feeling unsure and he is asking for verification. This is a good thing.

You have had months to bond with the baby growing inside of you. He hasn't. Because raising a child is an unknown to him, his mind is doing all kinds of weird things. He worries that his life as he knows it will end. He worries he will lose the financial stability he has created, he worries how he will be able to a father living so far away, etc. It is most likely that his insulting behavior comes from these fears, but that doesn't mean you have to, or should, tolerate that behavior.

It is easy to feel like a sitting duck when you are pregnant, alone, and worried about money. You are not. Take your power. If he begins to be abusive tell him you will not tolerate that behavior and he can either stop, or call back when he can speak correctly. Tell him you will call him when you, the mother of his child feel it is necessary to call him and he will not control you.

You cannot control his behavior. You can not entice him to be a good parent. However, you can get the appropriate financial support.

Once the baby is here, your hormones are back to normal, and you have had time think, you can then make the necessary decisions you need to for yourself and your child. The baby's father will also have a better handle on what is needed from him.

I would advice to not cut him out of your lives if he is willing to be in your lives. Your child will be better off knowing who his father is. It may be a pain for you at times, but it will be better your son.

You are going to be a great mom! When the stress comes, breathe, relax, and trust yourself. Keep me posted!

God bless!

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